Keeping It Real

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Sometimes the Holy Bravo Empire puts something out that you just can’t look away from and other times it puts out something thats been shoved in front of us so much. The last episode of the real Housewives of the Orange County is the latter.

For those who didn’t see Tamra’s tub scene allow me to sum it up for you.

Eddie enters the candle filled, softly lit bathroom to find Tamra inside a sudsy tub, naked.

Eddie states the obvious: You’re naked!

tamra: I’m so naked. you need an invitation? (she asks coyly, the only way she knows how to say things.)

Eddie somehow messes up the staging of the scene and stares for a few seconds more. scared for what Andy Cohen’s army of goons might do, he says the first clever thing he can think of.

Eddie: I think I might. (He downs a glass of wine, undresses and slides into the tub with Tamra. Kissing and blank staring ensues. Eddie’s soul is officially broken and Tamra grins happily knowing she’ll soo be back next season.)

Tamra: I think I’ve found my soul mate or something.

Don’t like my version of what happened? Then I suppose you can see it here. But why bother unless your a probably booze-soaked Simon.

It was all Bravo could talk about and it was all Andy Cohen could talk about after the show on his Inside Sports meets Soup knockoff Watch What Happens Live. Oh Watch What Happens Live, I’ve never seen a show powered by a combination of breathless coverage, car exhaust and desperation. Cohen looked so pleased at what he deemed “the hot tub scene hear ’round the world,” that I wouldn’t be surprised if he scripted, directed and now owns that piece of footage.

The rest of the episode was OK. It was mostly Gretchen and Alexis on vacation. Alexis with her “don’t judge the 15 bags I packed” and Gretchen with her “I don’t believe in marriages now just leases.” Gretchen did a fine job of sticking it to Tamra when comparing the validity of her marriage to her obvious May-December engagement.

The new housewives meanwhile are MIA. No worries because Peggy seems to have something very private to tell the whole world. Whatever it is, it can’t be as shocking as Randi’s super secret past as a Delaware call girl from 30 Rock’s Queen of Jordan episode!

community.livejournal.com---------The Most dignified picture I could find

Hello Real Housewives fans. Whether you’re ready or not to admit to your love all things sparkly and tasteless, the time has come! A whole new season of the Real Housewives of Orange County has premiered. Many call this the most boring of the Real Housewife franchise, but I and Andy Cohens cattle prod begs to differ. The new season promises much now that the my least favorite housewife Lynn Curtin has left and most of the housewives have rebounded from last years dull drama.

Last year the bloom was off the rose of RHOC. Most of the Housewives were either going through depressing financial and/or marriage problems (i.e. Tamra Vieth-Barney’s downward spiraling marriage) or leaving the show (i.e. Jeana Keough, my favorite housewife), but now the housewives have returned to form, giant cocktails and petty problems (divorce is just too icky and real, OMG).

Lets start with Vicki Gunvalson, the oldest and already the biggest snoozer. Vicki’s marriage in the past has always seemed less than perfect. Recently Vicki revealed to the press that she and her husband have split up and soon we will be subjected to more Tamra-like marriage drama. Hopefully it will be much like Vicki’s personality, speedy.

Tamra on the other hand is all sorts of liberated. One of the first thing we see Tamra do is plan a party at her new boyfriends house and then go to Dr. Tattoff (this is a real docor name guys) to remove a tattoo of her ex-husband’s name on her ndex finger. With all this new found freedom Tamra has more time revel in the volatile world of housewifedom.

I’ve always thought Gretchen Rossi was a younger version of Tamra, which makes sense that she too feels like an independent woman now that she pretty much has no financial security. Facing such dire straits and free time, she does what any other RH would do; start a tacky useless line of ___. This time the blank is a purse line, which shes ready to make millions off of based on the Jessica Simpson business model.

Alexis Bellino on the other hand is the only RHOC that still has a nuclear family. Most of her problems include having to deal with three kids with only one nanny at her disposal. Alexis will later get into some trouble for calling Gretchen a princess for being kid free and thus worry free. A drunk Gretchen will take great offense and take a throwaway joke way too seriously.

This only leaves the two new housewives. Unfortunately new RHOC Peggy Tanous was not introduced in this  one. One can only assume from the opening credits, where she toted a gun around, that this RH is a secret spy and she was deeply involved in some sort of political assassination plot. We did get to meet RH Fernanda Rocha, who might be my favorite. She doesn’t shy away from the drama but doesn’t get too serious (i.e. her getting in the middle of Gretchen and Tamras’ fight) and she has some odd flirtation going on with Tamra.

To another year of fabulous OC fights.

If there was an award for campiest reality show it’s empirically America’s Next Top Model. This time crazy gets a little Valley which is cause for celebration from this little blog in the Valley. Let us see how Sara Longoria, a UTPA sophomore from Edinburg, fares in the house. Here’s an interview of Longoria from Festiva where she talks about being polyamourous and the travails of being tall.

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When The Real Housewives of Orange County premiered did we realize how vast the RH empire would expand? The Miami chapter of the RH franchise is the seventh addition and it premieres tomorrow. If you want a little taste of whats to come here’s a preview of their self-centered nuttiness from US Weekly.

This ones got quite possibly everything. And yes Vinny, I do believe this is what hell is like.

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Something about that bouquet is so unsettling

And so begins our journey into Bridalplasty. A world where bridal faux pas are met with consequence and where black and blue body parts are achievements. Everything from the recovery room to former Miss USA being Bridalplasty’s host makes this show the most dysfunctional reality show  since Wife Swap. Of course Bridalplasty was the demon spawn of The Swan and Dr. 90210. Now E! coddles this horrible monster until it grows too large to be flushed into our sewers as it swallows humanity whole. Naw just kidding. Bridalplasty probably has just as much staying power if you calculate how many seasons The Swan was on (only one) and the everlasting Bridezillas, (so probably 2 seasons right?)

But let’s discuss the episodes that have already run. Only a few weeks on air and already Bridalplasty has as much to offer as a regular bitch fit from America’s Next Top Model to greedy alliances out of Real World Road Rules challenges. Bridalplasty is pretty much a dull and by the numbers reality show. Sure they try to spice things up like having Alexandra, a Biggest Loser contestant in the show, who still wants to lose more and tries to curry contestants favor with her on-air proposal. And the show found its Omarosa, its Marcel, its main villian. Janessa is the kind of contestant that fills her confessionals with smarm about her weekly manipulations on her weaker, fellow contestants. This contestant archetype is the norm in all reality show contests. This character is more likely to spark conflict or be in conflict. And while conflict does equal exciting, this kind of conflict is pretty blase.

So the last episode was probably the most action packed with each bride trying to pick between the three losers. The decision came down between two brides, Alexandra who really just wants plastic surgery and not so much the perfect wedding and Jamie, who really wants the perfect wedding and maybe just her teeth to be whitened. Of course the heavier girls are more desperate for the surgery which sends Alexandra into a nervous breakdown and almost chooses to drop out of the show altogether in fear of losing all her votes. The win seems to be going to Jamie until Alexandra does some damage control and convinces Janessa that she’s not a huge threat in the competition. Pretty sneaky. This prompts Janessa to rally all the brides around Alexandra or safety Dominique and Jamie is sent home.

Surprisingly Kristen, still recovering from her boob job victory, wises up to Janessa’s schemes and chastises the brides for not voting for forming alliances and not voting with their heart or something. Kristen maybe taking the moral ground but who’s to say she wouldn’t have done the same if she wasn’t safe that week from elimination.

So here we have it: The martyr, Jamie; the demon, Janessa; and the saint, Kristen. Let the games continue!

Other stuff

Did anyone else chuckle at ”bottom brides”?

Apparently selling your wedding ring is punishable by death in the bridal world

“That should be me in the recovery room”

The recovery time baffles me and seems unrealistic. If Alexandra gets her liposuction then wouldn’t her recovery time take more than three or four days. Is Bridalplasty going to explain this?

Where would Miss America winners be if it weren’t for reality shows, maybe doing something positive for womankind.

Janessa looks like Jan Brady from A Very Brady Movie. Makes her scheming all the more hilarious.

“I saw the ring I wanted and I just took it for myself” It’s hilarious how confident Alexandra feels about this. Good for her, she understands challenges. That’s a reality show veteran for ya. The others were just looking their shoes and picking their noses.

I will post my Bridalplasty review tomorrow. For now here’s one of those tense reality moments that may have made E! execs cackle with delight and order another season of the show. Enjoy!

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Sincerely sorry reality TV fans for the giant hiatus I took. I have been thinking of torturous punishments for not keeping up with my blog. After several hours of head scratching and navel gazing I decided the perfect punishment was forcing myself to watch a Two and a Half Men marathon but I would probably go mad. So then I just decided to write a blog entry.

So what has happened in the reality while I lazily sat around eating donuts (not really but wouldn’t that be fun).

From this day this Sunday shall be known as Bridalplasty day in the reality show universe. Nothing reeks of desperation and insecurity more these days than Bridalplasty. I wrote about the cosmetic carnival of show in an earlier blog entry and it premieres tonight. I will be tuning in weekly and reporting all the moments our little schadenfreude hearts can endure.

Celeb reality also happened while I was away. Sarah Palin, Mario Lopez, Lauren Conrad and Tony Danza each got their own shows. Sadly enough Mario Lopez’ “Saved by the Baby” was the only show to indulge in a punnytitle. Here’s a fun fact, the cheesier the pun the more desperate laden the show will be. And nothing screams desperate than proclaiming that your celebrity and career depends on a person that can barely distinguish a camera from its own hand. We still have hope for another schlocktastic title as Conrad’s show is still left untitled. Schlock or not Sarah Palin deserves a reality crown with her new reality show ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska” which drew 15 million viewers. Of course there’s more to chew over in the reality show world but for now that’s it. Next week I’ll update on Sarah Palin and I will continue with reviews of The Hills.

For now an educational video on safe sex that’s makes just as much sense as that other sex-ed video with John Ritter and The Fonz.

Bridalplasty n. New ridiculous reality show that combines Bridzillas with Dr. 90210. Groups of engaged couples compete for the plastic surgery of their choice while planning a wedding. Exp. Terry Dubrow of the ‘The Swan’  fame will be involved with ‘Bridalplasty,’ oy.

Dr. Bridalzillaplasty n. Large, mesozoic, super intelligent reptile brought to the future to make catty remarks about you’re choice of flower arrangements and you’re ability to pull off a strapless wedding gown. Exp. Dr. Bridalzillaplasty will be the death of us all.

It’s no secret that the bulk of television programming today is reality tv, and when that trend will end is yet to be seen. In a New York Time’s article it was reported that almost half of Americans were tired of what the summer had to offer in reality tv in a TiVo poll but as the article points out this summer reality topped “in the only poll that counts — the ratings.” 

In the article it was revealed that old favorites like Big Brother and America’s Got Talent has kept network tv afloat this summer and Jersey Shore has proven to be an advertisers wet dream. Even some of the most respected critics have yielded to Jeresey Shore’s siren song only to be engulfed in their own self loathing.

I for one welcome our reality tv overlords. Your thoughts on the article and civilization as a whole?